Monday, December 10, 2012

Styx

  I'm sorry for being gone, it's just that school's catching up to me, and this shadow called stress has been overcoming me lately. I don't know when can I persistently write again. Probably in break? But I don't know. I've been sick lately, unsteady in my health. Anyways, there's this myth in Greek mythology. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian. 

  However, reading about other religions is kinda interesting. Greek Gods are really amazing. Their perception of heaven and hell are combined into one underworld. Before that, you will have to pay a fee to cross a river. The river Styx, to get there. Before you die, your loved ones will put a coin under your tongue, so you could pay for the boat ride across the river. Otherwise, you  just stay on the other side, wandering. 

  Right now, I look exactly like that. so lost.It feels like nothing is happening, and the weight of the world is on me. So close, yet so far. So near, yet so distant. Just when you think you're out you're whisked right back in. It's like running barefoot on the slipping hot sand, midday in the desert, and only being able to stay in the shade of the tree that's a couple miles ahead of you. And when you do reach there, you stay in the shade savoring sweet victory. And then, you realize you're standing in quicksand. Like you're drowning slowly. 

  It just seems so much and too much to handle you know? People always tell you to rely on God, but then at the same time they tell you to take up on your own responsibilities. And what is relying on God? What is his love? All these testimonies of how people were dramatically saved, and yet I'm just here, lost and confused, on the other side of the Styx...

 "It's like I'm a flitting ghost, not a warrior. The bullets don't ricochet, they just go right through me. It's like I don't even hurt. It's like I've lost the ability to rebel, hate, and love. It's like I'm a dead unfeeling rock. A soul on the other side of the Styx. Wandering and swaying in the haunting silence. I don't even, care. Anymore. I'm not even alive, and I need not fight anymore. Looking at the world spin without me, the distant battle of what used to seem so important. Now it's like I'm dead."


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee










Saturday, December 1, 2012

Count

 So I was gone for a while, have you guys noticed? In a month's time, I've learnt a lot, and many times I have wanted to share about what's going on. Hey I missed this place. November was a misty month. I enjoyed the brisk fall winter.


 Anyways, one thing I learnt so far was to count my blessings. Remember that elementary Bible teacher telling you how millions of people are homeless, dying, in poverty, hopeless, and you are sitting here blessed in this classroom? So you might have a story behind you. How your friends have betrayed you, how you lost it all, how you fell down to rock bottom in a single move. How you couldn't control anything and everything just fell apart? I've been there. Many have.


 When you see the one's you grew up with blossom, and you're still a seed. When you look at this kid and you could just say: She's got it made. Then you look at the mirror. What a failure. How could you!? Disappointing all these people, not living up to expectations, not being enough, not doing well enough. Sitting home on a Friday evening while everyone else is invited to a mega slumber party. Someone holding a grudge against you, and you don't understand. What could be! What could be... And what is. Everyone else is having fun at the amusement park. And I'm here at home watching TV. Woe is me. I don't get it. Why don't I get that? Do I not deserve that?


 But then 2 things happened. I went to Cambodia, and the story of Job reached me. In Cambodia, I was sick, and I had high fever and a really bad stomach ache. I was about to miss the tourist attraction because of all that. I was in my bed, knowing everyone else was down at their breakfast table. Me in my hotel room. What could possibly be worse? I prayed to get better, first time it was just me and God, no parents, not a lot of medical aid.


 Cambodia was a rural place. We (My school- it was a school trip) had visited orphans the day before. No AC, no beds, no running water, no chargers, flies everywhere, and yes, no internet. I was in my room, television at my fingertips, AC on blast, toilet a few feet away. I was in a bed, under the covers, and I was complaining. I had the funds to get here and back! And to those who are living in stilt houses living off sponsors? If they had this fever and tummy ache they would most possibly be dead. No care would be provided for them. They were outcast. After realizing this... I felt so bad. I heard this old Chinese saying that if you were born in a blessed place, you don't know the meaning of what is blessed. (身在福中不知福) I felt like these FWP were not problems. I started from praying for myself to praying... for them. Ten minutes later, my temperature went from 39.2°C to 37.6°C. I could go.

  It always looks bad. Job, He went from everything, to nothing. But the Lord gives and takes away. He said, "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!" Look at Jonah next. He complained when the parasite ate the tree away. But the tree was never his to begin with! Neither was my joy, my pleasures, my family, my friends. Why do we sulk so much when they are taken away? One thing to remember. Our life? Does not belong to us. And we deserve to be tortured, as we are sinners. But when we do get something bad, we must remember the good. Or it will be uneven, and you will feel upset and depressed.


  I'm going to end this with a link to a song. Through this month, this song has stood out to me. If God seems far, and you don't feel him through all the bad things you have been through, listen to it. It's called Blessings, by Laura Story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee