Time

As long as I'm up here, I think I should make myself a little less broad and get a little more personal. But first of all, I'd really appreciate it if I ever receive a comment or a volunteer to join me in this blog here. It would mean the world to me.

So I was just sitting in bed, These nights have been really restless lately. I would stay up till five, and never drift off. I could hear the birds chirping outside, and I would feel exhausted, but not sleepy. Take a step back, and I looked at my life. Wow, I am a terrible person. I'm not as innocent as I thought, I messed up even more than I thought. I hate everything around me. I hated the way I'm mad, the way I talked, the way I acted, the way how I never owned up to myself. How everyone is ahead of me, when I know that could have been me. I never knew it was possible to drown in your own tears. I hated my actions, my choices, but most of all I hated myself. 

Now all I know is that I wanted out. If I look around me, I can see the world, but I can never find satisfaction I never liked this place. I never wanted to be here. I don't feel comfortable around these people. I have nobody to go to.  I have heard so much about God, this well know stranger Jesus. In a cramped space, like Hong Kong, I'm just one little teen. Look around me, these tall buildings a hundred floors high. Each floor with 7 apartments. Each apartment a family. I'm part of something so big, but I feel no special. I feel like, it doesn't matter much if I wasn't. I feel like a tooth in a shark's mouth. If I fall, my place would just be taken by another, just as good, maybe even better than I. Thinking about that, I feel so insignificant. Worthless, small, tiny. Like nothing I do will ever matter.

At school, things are pretty much the same. I get humiliated some, laugh some, cry some. Fail some, win some. But I still feel so hollow. Turns out, without love, I am nothing. Hope fades, faith deteriorates. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.-1 Corinthians 13:13."

Do they not say: "Go for your dreams"? Then they say: "Its not your time yet". But I just don't want to wait anymore. I hate that another day every day I still drag my sorry self to places I'd rather be not, surrounded by people whom the more I know about the more I dislike. Enveloped by hundreds but ultimately, still alone. When the lights are turned to the max, I see people living the prime of their middle school life. But nobody sees me in the shadows. I've given up on my chances, I've messed up too far and too much. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me, till then there is the dark corner... Always welcoming.

Right now, I hate myself. People hate me. Why would God be any different? I'm far from perfect, far from Okay. It's like sitting in the audience, and when you see the performers onstage, and you know you can do way better than them. But when they invite you onstage, you trip going onstage. That moment when you get back up on your feet and look out back into the audience, and you hear the painful laughter. Red faced, tear stained, that's exactly how I feel right now. I just feel like, I don't love anyone. And I don't see why anyone, would love me. 

Without ugly, there is no beautiful. With all girls beautiful, there has to be one who is different. Or else that means everyone is ugly.

But I still can't do without love. 

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.- 1 Corinthians 13:1-7, The Message."


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee