Gift

  So now I'm back. Three days have changed me so much more than I expected. I have finally accepted him into my life, and now God no longer sees me as the torn and weary, but as his own, the holy spirit itself inside me. I'm perfect.
  
  I've always loved God with all I was, and yes, the guilt was always there that I felt I needed him only when I was upset, but the fact was always there that he had already forgiven you even before you were created. I loved him enough that he created me, gave me the power of life, the ability to do anything I please. But to give me life again through his own death on the cross? It made me think of the story of Moses and the red sea. God had freed them from Egypt, and the people look at that and say bless the lord. But for him to free them from their doubts by parting the red sea when the soldiers from Egypt came chasing after them, and save them again? He killed the soldiers with the sea, and freed them again, forever. God created us, made us out of his own image. We sinned, let him down over and over, again and again, time and time. We say, oh God is there, we need not be afraid. We feel like God is just something you use, like a light. We praise him everyday, saying I love you, you love me. We stand and sing hallelujah, he saved us. Then you go and face these huge doubts, when your parents tell you your grades aren't good enough, when they say you can do better, when they make you say you have done something wrong out loud.
  
  How hard is it to say we did something wrong? To say we are sinners? We all know we have. We are sinners. But to say it, hurts. It makes you feel like you're less than you are, small, useless. Same thing with God, admitting you are a sinner, isn't the hardest thing in the world, but to actually say that, makes you realize we are way less strong, way less powerful than we think we are. We are tiny people, we are nothing compared to the world around us. Look, at the universe. Look at the galaxies, look at the stars at night. We are nothing, nothing more than a speck sitting on a stone, gazing up at infinity and beyond, wondering what we are. By the time you read the first part of this post, maybe about 100 stars have been created. Snap, new star, new star, new star... and he puts them in place by name. New baby is born every second. New life, new life, new life. You know how on a hike, you look up and say "this is amazing"? You look at the stars and say the same. Your look at your pastor, your bible, and what do you say? When God made the world, he said this is good. The world, the infinity, good. He made Adam, the sinner, the tempted. Sin took over him, and he knew that even before anything happened. Before this post existed, he looked at the sinner he created, and said : This is very good. God looks at us, and he sees the holy spirit. He sees us past our sin, and sees perfection. God made a drawing, breathed life in it, and instead of crumpling it up  because it was ugly, he hung it up on his wall, in a frame, and gazed at us and said THIS IS VERY GOOD. Like we are a big deal, like we are of value.

 Doubts sent by the devil. We feel like we are messed up, unloved, but here comes Jesus. Do you go spreading the gospel like: God made you! He made your messed up life for a reason! Yay! Or do you say: God loves you.(?) I felt Jesus' death was something that saved me from hell, something that was never going to be understood, he did because he wanted us with him in heaven, he gave us this gift because he loves us. Jesus was my passage to heaven.  One day into camp, I felt like This gift wasn't something I could accept. Who am I? To take the gift of his love? To hold the dagger up to his neck and kill him? To accept this gift meant to kill him, to hammer him into the cross. And then there was fear. I have been told I wasn't worthy too many times, and now for him to die, and say, here, take this. It's your key to heaven. To ask your lord almighty to die for you? A little selfish huh. He is worth so much more than I am. There is a billion like me, and I am one out of trillions of his creations. Why do I deserve to be saved? I love him, and that's why I don't want to bear the title: I killed Jesus. 

  So I stand here, holding his life, the most powerful love in my hands. I have never been truly loved before, and now I hold this most blinding love, powerful force in my own hands? I couldn't put it in me, I felt like that was really selfish and mean to take his life, just for your own in heaven. To make him suffer so much, the crown of thorns pressed against his head, the blood, the 39 whips, the three days in hell! For what, your eternal life in heaven? I felt like I had no right to take his life, but he has every right to take mine. To die for me? I felt like after all I did to him, I should die in his name, and burn forever in hell. But no, he died for me already. I felt like I couldn't accept it, because I didn't have anything to offer back that was of same, or even similar value. His life is too much, and even if I gave him my life, it wouldn't total to much. This debt I could never repay, is better never to owe. I mean, if I was there, and I was there yelling: Don't kill him! I would feel better. I feel so bad that he already died for me.

  I accepted the second night of camp. I felt like if I had to make him suffer so much, I better not be regretting that he died for me. I was worth so much to him, he died for me! If I refuse, it would be an insult, and he would have died in vain. Funny thing is, he chose to stay on that cross. He had the power to come down, but he chose to stay up there. To die for us. I was willing to go to hell, I deserved it pretty well. But now to accept this gift? To have my LORD die for ME? I didn't nail him. He stayed and died to free us. Because he loves us. I didn't kill him, he killed himself, for us. What I did when I accepted him, when I said "I do", It was an act of obedience. We are worth dying for, and we do value much in His eyes. When I felt like I wasn't worth his pain, I was telling god he was making a mistake to die for me. God never makes mistakes. He died, for us, for our lives, because of true love, love that never fails. Who are we to say we have a tough time? He has had it a million times worse. But he died, so we could be free, to let us be loved.

  I'm back to square one, I realize if I had never wondered all these things, the message would have been the same. God loves you, and yes, we don't deserve any of it, but it happened because of his amazing grace. To him, we are destined to do more, we are precious, even when we feel like we are less than we are. We are saved again by Jesus, like God saved his people in the red sea. That's why, I feel the same love even if I was way simpler. We all feel God's love the same way, but some of us find out "the hard way" or the different way. We all accept this gift for different reasons, but in the end, he is still always the same, our God, our Lord, our father and friend. He Loves you. God, Loves you. That, is our gift.


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee