Torn

Sometimes I feel like I just don't belong. I've been searching for others like me, so far no luck. I once had one really close friend I knew since forever. We were always there looking after each other, he helped lift me up whenever I needed it, listened, cared... He was my pillar, my refuge and motive. 

He was my fellow stargazer, the first stargazer I knew. I guess god wanted to make me learn humans are never forever, because now he's gone forever. My first reaction was to collapse, and for the first time, he wasn't there to pick me up. For the first time, I had to scramble up myself, or at least, so I thought. I felt alone for months. I lost that "big mouth" of mine. I stopped being the huge talker I was. I felt like I was wasting words without him to listen anymore. I felt like nobody cared. That's when I started turning half emo. I realized how important he was to me now. I felt torn in pieces. I used to feel so independent, proud, loud. I realized too late he was something I needed in my life. I was dependent the whole time, and those few times I fell in the past months, I never scrambled up alone. A wisp of a hand has always helped me up, silent, gentle, yet strong. 

Just like his, but with more power. God has helped me up, and I knew it. I was too weak to ever get up by myself, I needed help, I need help. And God has been with me all this time, right next to me, when I thought I only had my fellow stargazer. We are all weak, we are small, we face troubles, we all fall. But still, he seeks us out and reaches out with his true love, and lift us up again. We see that we need human support, we need God's support. We know we are not as strong as we think we are. But what we don't remember all the time is that god has the power to take anything from us anytime. I felt that the hard way, but god was the one who pieced me together again, he wasn't impatient, he wasn't harsh. He put the torn pieces together and secured them again with the same mild, tender love I thought I would never feel again. I know I can trust god even when it hurts, when it's hard, when I'm in pieces, ugly and unworthy. Who am I really to be fixed? 

Sometimes I wonder why he loves like this. I wonder if all humans loved this way... What would happen? Even more, I wonder what would a world without god be like? But then again, there's another side of questions tearing at me. What if in this world, we all don't belong? Even one of the most important things, one of the things I thought would last forever, was just temporary. The thought lingers... I seem to get lost in this part of my thoughts. 3 days, 2 nights. I think I'll have enough time to think things over in camp. I'm not especially psyched, or excited, but I think it will be... fair. So long story short, I'll be absent for a few days, but I'll be back, with more ideas and and whatnot. 

Also, A few days after camp I will officially unveil this blog to my school. Wish me luck, I need it. In the meantime, leave some comments maybe, and send me an email at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com if you're interested in becoming a stargazer. (It's not really a club, more like a people that can help contribute to the blog and help out each other.) So I'll end with this, a quote from my one of my favorite christian songs, "Where I Belong" by building 429. "Sometimes it feels like I'm watching, from the outside. Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing, but am I alive? I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find...All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus,This is not where I belong."


Please email me at hopeforthestargazers@gmail.com, comment and share. 
Till next time, 
Victoria Lee